I don't know about you, but on a regular basis, I step out of my body, rise up above it, look down on myself and laugh. How did I become a grown up? How is it possible that I'm a MUM? No, this must be a joke. Or a dream, yes that's it. I'm about to wake up, Dallas-style, but rather than see a naked Bobby Ewing taking a shower, I'll be surrounded by Take That posters, my Tamagotchi will be bleeping on my bedside table and my Doc Marten boots (complete with CND signs Tippex-ed on them) will be sat by my bed.
These moments strike me when I'm watching Friends, and the year that shows at the end is 1995. "That episode is 19 years old," I'll tell my husband (I've got a HUSBAND! *squeal*) and I'll feel so weird. Or a trail on Radio 2 will be promoting a Britpop show being presented by Jo Whiley and Steve Lamacq. How can it be that those two young, edgy DJs and that recent era of music is on Radio 2, now? Oh. You mean they're not young and edgy now? And Britpop is 20 years old? Oh.
Does this happen to you? I think I'm just pretending to be a grown up.
Here are 10 signs you're just pretending too...
1. You're at a family party and end up on the kids' table... yet strangely you feel at home there. And relieved that you can play with cars and talk about school football trips rather than *cough* boring grown up stuff.
2. You're sitting at your desk at work, and suddenly feel panicked that your boss is going to find you out. They gave you a job, thinking you can DO STUFF, but really, you're just blagging your way through life. What will happen when they discover the truth?
3. While out for lunch, you finish your drink before the food arrives, and you order another one BECAUSE YOU CAN. Yep, no one to tell you: "Don't drink all of that now. If you do, you won't be getting another."
4. You fall out with a friend and wish making up could be as simple as making her a mix tape and giving her your favourite Mark Owen poster. Ugh, you're going to have to have a proper grown up conversation about it and apologise, aren't you?
5. You hear a call from the other room: "Mummeeeeee!" and you stop. "That's me," you think. "I'm 'Mummy'. I am responsible for another human being." You feel a bit scared for a second, before you snap back to reality.
6. You still find yourself walking into Topshop, out of habit. Yes, you haven't bought anything, bar a necklace and a denim jacket, in there for years, and yes you can't quite work out if that thing on the hanger is a pair of hotpants or a hat, and 'ooh isn't the music loud?' but you might find a lovely dress in there...
7. You hear yourself saying to your child, "If I have to tell you one more time...!" or "Because I said so." But you know you're only saying those things because that's what real grown ups say.
8. You get on a bus, and still head for the back seat. Look, it's just the COOLEST seat to sit on, OK?
9. You don't think you'll ever understand tax. It's such a grown up thing. You'll understand it when you're a grown up. Oh and long division too.
10. You still think that sausage, beans and chips is just about the best meal you could ever have. And you'd choose fish fingers over grown-up tuna steak, every time.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like a fraud!